Who am I?
As a person:
I’m a 24 year-old woman living on the West Coast of Canada. I have a degree in English and Publishing and I work at home. I’ve written a number of blogs in my short time on this Earth, but none has ever gotten me this excited this early on. Reading and writing have always been passions of mine and I thought that, instead of keeping a personal journal, I could put my journey out there for the internet. Maybe someone else needs to hear my story.
I’m neither an extrovert nor an introvert; I feel more or less self-conscious depending on the day. I have a dad, two older brothers, a nephew, a cranky cat, and a chihuahua. I love the friends I have and never say no to new ones who cross my path. I also have weirdly great friendships with my brothers and their lady partners.
I love adventure movies–Marvel is my gospel–and romances–I’m very single. I haven’t travelled much, but that will change in 2017. I have so much fun with makeup and I am always teaching myself to sew clothing. I dance with the Army of Sass, a heels dance company, in my spare time and I adore everything about it.
I also find it hard to write about myself in any kind of entertaining way.
As a fat girl:
I’ve always been fat, varying degrees of fat, but still fat. Even when I was in high school and took PE, 3 dance classes, musical theatre, and exercised for fun, I was still the biggest girl in my classes. My siblings, while having gone through heavier phases, have never had the weight problems I do.
It was never for lack of trying, though. I have always been concerned about my weight, ever since I was a small child. I knew I looked different and it has always been the first thing bullies latch onto. I have never been successful enough with a diet to see myself as a fit person so I haven’t gone through that pattern of loss and gain and loss and gain. My smallest adult size was US14 when I was in high school so when people go to Weight Watchers and want to get back into their senior year jeans, I have no frame of reference.
For the last 7 months, I’ve been enrolled in a medical weight management program with doctors and nurses who specialize in obesity medicine. It’s a great program with awesome support, but due to my circumstances, I haven’t been able to participate in a meaningful way. Yet another thing to change in 2017.
As a grieving daughter:
My journey can’t start with me acknowledging this enormous part of my life. In April 2014 my mother was diagnosed with a type of brain cancer called Glioblastoma Multiforme, and inherently stage 4 type of cancer with an almost zero survival rate. I had just finished my 4th year of university–literally the day before–so I took a class online and graduated that October. As soon as she was diagnosed, however, I gave up being her just daughter (and her best friend) and became her caregiver. I was with her through two brain surgeries, 30 rounds of radiation, nine rounds of chemotherapy, and two years of physio- and occupational therapy. It is important to understand that her original oncologist told us she would likely only have fifteen months. Instead, she fought hard for 30 months before the cancer became too aggressive and she succumbed in September 2016 in hospice surrounded by her family.
I cannot put into words how my heart hurts to be parted from my mom so soon. We were best friends and did everything together. I built my life with the absolute surety that my mom would be here with me. To have her gone so soon has thrown me from the edge of cliff with seemingly no bottom.
I feel that it is important to mention that I’m grieving because I know it will affect my journey in so many ways. That’s likely why I didn’t start sooner. For the last two and a half months, I have been grieving, sorting through her life. and trying to be there for my family. Before that I was in what a councillor informed me was “anticipatory grief“. This is all compounded by life-long problems with anxiety and depression. I don’t know where I’ll be with this part of my journey in six months, but it won’t change my need to get healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. Those are still the goals.
I invite you to join me in this journey of health and well-being. I don’t think you need to necessarily be on a weight-loss path to appreciate personal growth–it applies to all aspects of bettering oneself. So consider following Journey Past January and comment or share things that apply to you.